Immortality Capsule 1

Confessions of a Closet Queen: A Monologue

This is a monologue about the perspective of an American cliche.
by James M. V.

Is it me, or is everyone I am surrounded by absolutely terrified of me? Who exactly signed me up for this? What am a working so hard for? Why do I think I know what it means to work hard? Why is my honesty really difficult for some to swallow? Why is my honesty so hard for ME to swallow...? 

Why is making choices for myself impacting so many people on a constant basis? Why did I just sound like I am the center of humanity's universe? How do I stop giving a damn about how many people it is impacting? Why exactly do I care? Who exactly do I think I am? Why do I have to sound so consequential? I was certain I knew who I was. What am I doing? Where did my anger go? How the hell did I end up here? What time is it? 

No really...

What time IS it...?  

I am overwhelmed. I am 24 years old. I feel like I’m older. I am tired.

I am an artist. I am immature. I hardly know anything. I am addicted to anxiety. I think everyone is gay. I am gay. I am clueless. I work hard. I work my ass off. I work my ass off for the right reasons. I am never going to ask for credit, ever. I am never going to need credit from anyone else. I am obsessed with my self worth and what it's made of. I am ambitious. I am starving. I am persistent. I am serious. I am overbearing. I am genuine. I am fucking hilarious. I am famished. I am thankful. I am a prick. I am passionate to a fault. I am impulsive. I breathe equality. I objectify reasoning. I fucking love humanity. I am a fierce friend. I am a master manipulator. I am a hypocrite. I am melicious. I am someone who gets even on YOUR standards. I am pretty sure everyone thinks I always get what I want. I am always in question of my psyche. I am a person who know's my reality. I am so grateful. I am way too serious. I am unfocused after a bad comversation. I am aggressively passive. I am not passive aggressive. 

I say “I” a lot. 

I am way too fucking serious... 

There are many things you will think I am that I am not. I won’t say no to a great party, personal time with the family, and especially the opportunity to express myself to the free world how ever I choose. I have a hard time leaving the room without everyone I know being aware I care for them before I depart. I am a performer for you, not for myself. I am up there to change the world, not burn it down with a single spotlight. I know that you are asking me for it, because I am begging you to tell me to be on. I am always on when you are off, and never off when you are on. I can’t enter a room without being comfortable with how I look. I don't do it for them. I wear it for me. I believe that first impressions are the most important interpersonal communication in existence. I can’t remember the last time I felt comfortable about my exterior. I can't remember the last time a stranger was kind to me. I can’t remember the last time I walked into a room...

Why don't people THINK?

I can’t help to think I give people thoughts they never thunk they would think. 

All I do, is think. 

All I think about is myself. I think I know everything. All I think about is how I can do the right thing. All I think about is where to find the right thing. Where is my right thing? Is there even a thing? Why do I keep saying..."thing"? 

I can only consider how I am acting. All I can see is my control. I think I have control. I think I finally have....control. I'm in control of the only thing I am humanly capable of having authority over. 

ME. 

I have never been in love they way I know I was born to love someone. I can’t remember the greatest day of my life. I am reminded about the worst day of my life everyday. I emphasize to not blame anyone as much as I can. I am sick of blaming myself over nothing I had control over. I am appalled at myself for blaming others who didn't either. I never know where I belong, because I don't want to belong. I think you're lying when you say you don't want to belong. I know I am not anymore. I think they are lying when they say they want everyone to belong. They want you to belong to them. 

I am masculine. I am feminine. I am scared to be both. I know I am offending people who don't know any better. I really believe they don't know any better. I never hate anyone that doesn't know any better. 

I don't know any better.  

I remember every time I have been called faggot. I hate myself for pretending that I don't despise the word "faggot".  I hate myself for being a tough faggot. I hate that I will truly never get over the word faggot just like every other faggot won't. I hate that I am called narcissistic because I am not a faggot.  

I loathe myself when I am taken advantage of, which supersedes the love I have for the people who did. I hate when I am told constantly I did it to myself. I hate that I sound like just another small town queer with issues I don't keep to myself out of obligation for a conservative society. 

I want to change the world, but I don't want to run it. I am convinced I am capable of loving everyone in the known universe. I don't care if people believe me or not. I beleive me. 

I wish I had the right voice to make a difference in the right way. I wish that wasn't a distant mentality. I wish people would listen to my voice. I want a person to find their own voice through mine. I want those announcements to be self proclaimed. I want to tell you what I have to say makes you feel just as ample to do so. I am terrified to tell you what I have to say. I wonder if anyone will take me seriously. 

I think I take myself way too seriously.. 

I think, I live, I breathe, I Drag.